I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
