One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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