just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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