if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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