I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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