why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
