we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
