I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
