I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
