we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
