I faked an abortion last night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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