3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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