Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
