brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
