i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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