I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
