that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
