I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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