So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
