I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
