At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
