Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
