listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
