Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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