at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
