I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
worst night to have a conscience
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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