I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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