Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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