What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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