Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
it was like eating out sand paper
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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