Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
