Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
