Swine flu is the new snow day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
