3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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