Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
