I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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