I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
