conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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