I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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