just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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