So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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