are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
