I cockslap morals
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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