1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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