From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
