Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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