i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
