a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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