I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
