Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
