giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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