i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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