i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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