i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
