dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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