Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the liver wants what the liver wants
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
