its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
