I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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