the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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