just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
