You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
