Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
