Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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