They should really pass out barf bags in church
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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