Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my being single is dangerous.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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