I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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