just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
