My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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