he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just pee around me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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