"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
